POOP IN THE OUTHOUSE, AND “ASS-CLENCHING TERROR”

This weekend I went up with my family to Zuzana’s parents’ farmhouse. It’s right on the border of Bohemia and Moravia. To start off, the trip there was definitely an experience of “ass-clenching terror.” I use this term in reference to a comedian I once heard. He was talking about roller coasters…and how he couldn’t understand why people thought they were fun…because in reality, they are only experiences of “ass-clenching terror.” You know what I mean…the feeling you get right before you go down a ginormous hill. Well…think of my ride to the farmhouse as an hour-long roller coaster, full of ass-clenching terror. The first hour and a half wasn’t bad, because we were on the interstate. But as soon as we got off, we started going through the mountains. The countryside of the Czech Republic has gotten some of the heaviest snowfall in years…there were telephone booths buried underneath it. So…we were driving on the iciest roads I’ve ever seen in my entire life….in a MANUAL car!!!…in FOG!!! We drove by this car that was stopped, and my parents were like “Oh, they’re just putting the chains on their tires.” Now, I’m from the south, but somehow, “putting chains on your tires” can’t be a good thing. I mean I’m sure it’s good to keep you from falling off a mountain…but the fact that you would have to put them on…crazy!!!

So needless to say, I was the closest I’ve been in a while to peeing in my pants. And of course, when we got there, I discovered that the only choice of a toilet was an outhouse. Not gonna lie…I definitely took a poop in the outhouse. It couldn’t be helped. …especially after the car ride there. If you think you’ve experienced a cold toilet seat, try sitting on a frozen one! But yes, Mom…I did use an outhouse! Die of shock if you must! :D

I will say that it was definitely an awesome weekend! I went skiing for the first time in my life EVER! …I only made it to the baby hill…but it was either that, or the huge steep hill. I felt pretty lame, because all of the younger kids (and there were 5 of them under 5 years old) skied down the steep slope like pros…but I’m sure they popped out of the womb in skis, since everyone and there mom skis here. I almost took snowboarding lessons with Rutka and Jakub, but I figured that my first experience with snowboarding should probably be in English.

The house itself was really cool. Zuzana’s father (Honsa) was a pastor and loved to work with youth. So their house is equipped with beds enough to sleep about 30 people. It’s also why the Communist government didn’t like him…because he was trying to influence a generation that they wanted for their own purposes. There were about 20 people there this weekend (including Zuzana’s father and mother; sister; brother and his wife; and her brother’s wife’s sister and their family…confused???….so was I!). There were 5 kids under the age of 5…so it was definitely very lively. It was really cute because one of the kids, Christopher, couldn’t comprehend why I couldn’t understand him. He would just come over and talk up a storm…and then I would say “nerozumim,” which is “I don’t understand” in Czech. But he kept talking to me anyways, and then would get frustrated that I wasn’t responding. Zuzana kept telling him that I only spoke English, but to a 5-year-old, that doesn’t mean anything. He was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find my way back to Prague (since all the signs are in Czech), so he drew me a map…it was really cute.

It was definitely crazy being in an environment where I couldn’t understand most of what was going on. While both my parents speak English, and Zuzana’s brother and his wife as well, when conversation got going, it was hard to keep up. Zuzana would try and translate some stuff for me, but I felt bad because she was missing a lot of what was going on. It was one of those experiences where I wanted to leave as soon as I could, yet I wanted to stay there forever. I don’t like people having to accommodate me…and it was a lot of having the feeling of wanting to be able to communicate something, and not being able to…but also just enjoying watching people and how they interact. And just an f.y.i…you can really tell who’s a good storyteller when you don’t understand a language. Gestures and body language do a lot.

Towards the end of the evening we celebrated like 5 peoples birthdays. And we sat around the table and sang songs…well, I listened to them. It was really great. The only part of a song I could sing was “Honkey tonk blues.” Apparently…there’s no translation for this in Czech. The weekend was great, and I’m glad I got to meet some of Zuzana’s family, and see another part of the Czech Republic.

Good times had by all!